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| [Tuesday, January 16, 2007 at 2:27 pm] |
I don't know why I am posting here right now. Possibly because next to no one will actually read it, and that's a nice feeling.
It's not like I've got anything to hide, really. It's strange. But in a lot of ways I feel like I want a fresh start in a sense. I'm not promising anything, this could be a one time post and very well may be. But for now, here's my insides.
Those insides feel a lot different these days. I could blame it on the fact that I've been single for the first significant period of time since I was extremely young, and had a lot of time to myself, time to be less dependant. Perhaps that is part of it, I don't doubt it, but I think I'm starting to come of age. Yes, I always say that I grew up too fast, and I did in ways- being one of the most cynical 5-year old girls you'd ever meet, seething with restrained anger, always on the defensive- but the fact is, I grew up wrong. For whatever reason, perhaps because it was forced upon me too early, I needed to redo the process, and it's been needed for a long time. I needed to learn how to hope as well as I could doubt, give as efficiently as I take (WITHOUT giving my SELF away), love as unconditionally as I could hate, and to be capable of any sense at all of actual peace of mind.
So I suppose I've come to a number of realizations in the past half of a year. The most important one being that maybe, just maybe- life isn't really so bad after all. Two emotions seemed to always constantly fester in me for a good portion of my time in this world, anger and fear. They would manifest themselves in a myriad of different senses, yes, but the constant was always the same. I feared being alone, I feared losing everything and everyone that was every important to me. So I did lose the most important thing, the best thing that ever came into my life - and why? Because of that very fear. I asked myself over and over why time after time, it seemed that people would always leave me. No one ever just stayed. Is it because I'm not worth the time? Because I'm a bad person? Because after I while I'd wear ANYONE out? Not exactly.
It's because I always believed that they would. It's the only thing I was ever really good at believing. The idea that because my life growing up was a torturous mess, it would continue on that way, and nothing good would ever come out of it in the end, because all good comes to an end. But what I neglected to dwell on was the fact that all bad does too. The sun doesn't stay down forever. It comes back out. There is hope. Disappointment may accompany it, but it will fade. Loneliness will come, but it will pass. People will come and go, but the ones that matter most will return. I will be so terribly depressed some afternoons that it feels like nothing is ever right and I just want to crawl into a corner and die, but that too will vanish.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. |
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| [Thursday, May 5, 2005 at 2:03 pm] |
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geeky